confession i dont talk about

Ya know sometimes I just feel like I wanna die. And there's no one I can really tell that to because they either think I'm feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic or the negitivty just weighs them down. No one wants to hear that but I just need to get it out.

I look at people and think about the shitty lives they had, the abuse they went through, especially my family. The anxiety, the abuse, the alcohol. Its just not fair. My mom was sexually abused by her alcoholic father, and deals with shame and never talks about anything in her past. She was dirt poor in poverty and today she is still poor and I can't help her like I want to. My siblings and I were all abused by my dad though I think I didn't have it as bad because my older siblings called DYFS but my brother and I had to listen to my dad beating up my older brother with a wooden cane til he was crying and culdnt move. He had a nervous breakdown, he's crazy, and an alcoholic. He is a genius too. Couldve been so successful. My sister and other brother are alcoholics and I suffer severe anxiety and have these deep issues that don't go away. I am in counselling but honestly, sometimes I just wanna die. Get the hell out of this hell life.

But the only reason I don't and stay strong is because I have an amazing daughter who's gonna be someone one day! Her loser father is another alcoholic but thank god his parents are normal and help me every day! Thank god for them.
And the feeling that mm can't "deal with me" or "can't" be with me just makes everything worse. The thought that I can't talk to him when I want to, makes me feel empty.

I just needed to get that out. I feel horrible. And I just got prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I hope it helps. But what a loser I feel like that I need that! I hate life.

Why did god put us here to suffer like this? And there are so many people who have it sooooo much worse! Its just not fair!!! I fucking hate it!

weird dream

I woke up to a weird dream that I was at work and I answered the phone and it was muffin man's wife. I told her he was busy and she was annoyed and said that every time she calls he's busy. Then she started to go on and on about all the things that bother her about him and it was mostly his neglect. I was agreeing with her and adding little things he does like that at work and then my eyes opened from the dream as she said these last words that she said was her feelings toward her husband:

"I just get a smooch,

But never get kisses,

cuz he's out fucking,

some other bitches"

First of all, I've never talked to her, second of all, she's the type of person that everythings "great" and always in a great mood... Nothing phases her. My total opposite!
I guess I felt bad for a few minutes. Maybe that post from secretia a while back about how I should think of her sunk into my subconscious.

the bumper sticker

So this morning I'm driving to work and a car pulls in front of me with a bumper sticker that hs a picture of a fetus. It says a person is a person no matter what size they are. Ihad to follow this car a good prtion of the way to work... Enough to bring up the feelings I'm trying to supress about doing something I thought I would never have to do in a million years. It sickens me.
How do u get through something like that? If a bumper sticker is going to effect me like that what do I do at that moment?

the palace of versailles

My phone does not allow me to make comments on anyone's posts including my own. But I'm still thinking of edgar. Maybe if men could understand the little things we like there would be more choices for us out there.
Onto the palace of versailles. Occupied by louis the XIV? Or the XVI? I saw a show today and they gave a quick tour of some of the rooms but focused particularly on a room above the king's bedroom. Living quarters for his mistress. Everything was made of gold. Even the mistress had it good. She was an artist. She decorated and did her art in her little apartment. And on the floor was a trap door which was a secret passageway to the king's bedroom where they could go back and forth to each other's rooms at any time of the night.
Didn't the queen have to "make an appointment" to see her husband? But the mistress could go anytime. What is that??? Again I ask which is worse? To be the mistress who must remain the secret but has the kings heart in the palm of her hand? Or to be the queen who has all the fame and fortune but her husband sleeps with other women? I guess it would be worse for the mistress. The queen may have had her own men she slept with. Probably hot young men too!
Come to think of it... Having a man completely in love you but has to hide you? That's much worse. I just imagine what it would be like to have a king be in love with you and take care of you... Of course on the flip side... She lived above him subject to have no other lovers. I hope she loved him!!! If she were in my situation she'd be happy enough. I love love love my muffin man. If I could sneak to his bedroom, I'd be there every night. All night. Kissing him all over, listening to him breath, noticing every idiosyncrasy, being a confidant...

I really wonder she loved him. I wonder if she was passionately in love with him the way I am in love with my muffin man.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM!!! LOOOOOVE HIM!!!

This is one of my weird thoughts. I heard the name Edgar today. Picture what a man with that name would look like. I picture an older man distinguished, tall, dark, and handsome. Resembling clark gable... He smokes a pipe because I love the smell of pipes, and has a coctail every night. Probably full of himself in subjects he is educated in, but open to learn subjects he doesn't know well. He wakes up early, makes a cup of coffee, drinks it black, reads the paper and off to work. I'm not sure what he does for a living, but he's a very intriguing man.
Any other thoughts on edgar?

who judges you?

How cool it is that we all trust each other on here. We can open up and tell our deepest darkest secrets on blogger with no fear of our readers judging us. Its so freeing.
How sad is it we have to be incognito in fear someone will know the REAL us?
How great of a world would this be if we could all be ourselves and no one would judge us? Although how rampant would our "sins" be?
And I put sins in quotes because I think religion puts GOd in a box. You don't know his plan! You don't know the bigger picture!
Anyway... I pray I can learn to be less judgmental... Especially to those I really love.

One of Life's Greatest Gifts

Before I begin, I of course had something to say about my Muffin Man which is over in my part time lover blog...

I realized something today. I saw someone who was an old mentor for many years to me. I opened up and told him my real feelings and how I don't know who I am, that I had become what everyone told me I was, or what I should be and I never had the chance to discover who I am. I told him thoughts I have and reactions I have to people.  When I told him something in particular, he had the most comforting thing to say...

well that's ok, that's you.  I know you.

why was this so comforting?  Because one of the greatest gifts life has to offer, is someone who truly understands you and knows you. you can trust them. I don't even know who I am, and yet this man took the time to listen to me, understand me, figure me out, learn my past, why I react to things I do, why I say things I say, my talents, my gifts, my personality, my hopes, my desires, my needs, my wants... he KNEW me!

he doesn't judge me,
he doesn't get annoyed with me,
he phrases things so NOT to upset me so I can get the message of what he is saying,
he truly cares...

That is what i need in this life.  So desperate for.  Someone to KNOW me...

..one of life's greatest gifts.

when your soul mate comes along... it's too late

Today I was talking to a broker and he was telling me about his wife.  And like always I tend to get into conversations with married men who have been married for quite a while. What really bothers me and things i question are why people make choices they make in a spouse. 

From what I've gathered over the years, is that a man will look for a woman who will make a good wife and mother, and a woman will look for a man who will be a good provider and father for her kids. Why do we feel the need to have a perfect little family anyway?

But the thing that kills me, is that every single FAITHFUL man I have spoken to about this, has told me he lays in bed at night thinking about an ex they dated whom they were passionately in love with but didn't marry her because she didn't fit the "perfect wife" criteria. And the other men?  They find women like me. The exciting ones, the passionate ones, the ones who like to LIVE life and experience new things! And girls like me? We end up broken-hearted and alone, because our men will never choose us. 

So which is worse??? Being the faithful wife whom my husband lays next to while he thinks about another woman? or being the other woman who lays in bed thinking of her lover she longs to lay next to so desperately?

Being the wife who wakes up and goes about her business and speaks to her husband when necessary? Or being the woman who who wakes up and the first thing on her mind is her lover, and wishes she could wake up and kiss him? make love to him night and day? the one who gets NAUSEOUS at the mere mention of his wife's existence?

Why don't people follow their hearts and wait to get married to the one they were meant to be with?  

Instead they think LOGICALLY and when their passionate lover and soul mate comes along... it's too late.

playing with fire

First of all, i created a new blog to talk about my blazing love affair... anything more on this topic will be in that blog.

I often refer to my love affair as a blazing fire. A fire that just can't be put out. If we are not making love, the energy is used to fight. Sparks are flying every second we're together even if it's through the phone.
It's just not fair that we both have to suffer at the same time. Pain and pleasure. I long to be with him, but if I look down the road, I know he'll never leave his wife. I was the excitement he was looking for as he was bored in his marriage. And he feels like a bad person for living a double life.
What am I going to do? The stronger our feelings get, the more consequences come up...

It all started with him looking for excitement. I agreed to it because he seemed like a genuine sweet person who appeared to be surfaced with love. I take them deep. Very deep. I wanted him to experience just what it means to come out in the deep end and drown in love. At first he was guarded, scared, and resistant. But I am a very persuasive person and urged him to come a little deeper. Am I selfish? I thought I was being unselfish. But I didn't think about the consequences of his life and how this would effect him. I thought about the good, not the bad.
And now we're deep. Deep, deep in it. We tried to end things because of the reality that he's married and staying married. But it didn't work. We couldn't function at work, I was crying all the time, depressed, laying around, wanting to die really, and he couldn't hide his misery from his family... It was a nightmare and I couldn't take it anymore. I was lost without my best friend! A day without speaking to him was like a day without food. You could survive but all you think about all day is your hunger!

So finally he came over.  We fought, we talked, we made love... What a surprise.
Back to the beginning again.
And now here we are more in love than before! It gets deeper each day. When we go through something difficult or fight, we seem to come through it stronger!

Isn't this what true love really is?? I believe with all my heart that this is what love should be and was meant to be....

Yet there's a HUGE obstacle in the way! Was this meant to be? Or am I just a selfish sinner?
I believe we were meant to meet each other, but why? Why do we have to go through the pain?

My love for him grows deeper every day... And it really is kind of scary. Where's it going? What will happen to me? To him? I'm so scared of the pain I will be in when I lose him. Oh god this life makes no sense. I always want to experience life and all it has to offer but I just wonder if this will be too much for me.

And I'm torturing him with the same thing.

Its the best love I ever felt;
 so peaceful when I look in his eyes,
so happy when I'm near him,
so in love when I kiss him,
butterflies when his lips touch mine,
so hot when his body is pressed up against mine,
so lost in his eyes,
so comforted when he thinks about me....

He teaches me,
loves me,
comforts me,
puts up with me,
understands me...
Even when I make no sense...
He's compassionate,
patient,
     gentle,
          stubborn,
               intelligent,
                    sensitive,
                         frustrating,
hard headed...

And I'm crazy about him.

When I asked him why he loves me he had the best answer:
"Because you drive me crazy."

Ditto muffin man!

Can anyone tell me this isn't love???

a post this blog was intended for...

There are some nights, like tonight when I pull into my parking lot and have this urge to crash into all the cars parked there. I fantasize that I speed up, crash into one car, back up, slam into the next, and so on until I destroy mine and everyone else's cars!
I don't know why I have these thoughts but it's very often! Once or twice a week! Is it the stress of the day? Deep rooted issues? Suppressed anger? I don't know, but it makes me feel like a crazy person... Is this normal or do I have serious issues?

what its like to work with the one you long for...

Every morning I do the exact same thing. I usually wait til the last possible minute to rush out my door. I grab my heavy purse, lunch bag, and another bag with all my crap that doesn't fit in my purse, and my coffee mug filled with the same coffee- no sugar no milk, just hazelnut coffee mate. Same thing, every morning. I rush out the door with no make up, shove all my stuff in my car, plug in my ipod, that i keep on shuffle so I can "be surprised" when I hear and sing the same songs, and try to drink my coffee before it spills.
About half way to work, I put the mug on the floor, pray it doesn't spill and put my makeup on at each red light. Well, since I am being completely honest here, i do apply foundation and blush while i'm driving... :) I get a red light at the same intersection EVERYTIME and I know I have 5-10 minutes to speed to work. Like clockwork, at this intersection I seem to ALWAYS check my phone hoping that just one of these mornings my muffin man will send me a text, and every morning I get that sunken feeling when I see nothing. Its the hope of things to come that keep me positive about this relationship, I guess.
Speeding into the parking lot, I put my mascara on in the rear view mirror, grab aaaall my stuff, and lastly the coffee mug filled 1/3 of the way with cold coffee. I don't know why I always grab that coffee. It may be an OCD or something.
I scramble through the parking lot hustling because I have 30 seconds to get up the elevator and signed in at my desk. Every day that cold coffee spills on my bag, my sleeve, everywhere.
I throw my stuff on my desk, sign in to ADP, and settle in to start my day. First I clean the coffee off myself and I sign in all my programs on the computer. And then I pull out my agenda for the day and see his name there. I really have no work to do until my brokers come in and give me things to do so I daydream for a little bit. And the cup of coffee never gets finished. It sits for hours until I end up throwing it away. I guess i hold onto things, huh? I usually take my phone out and put it next to me, just in case anyone sends me a message more exciting than my thoughts.

When 9:30 comes around, I know it's the time when my muffin man will be walking in. His path to his office does not pass me so I don't see him. I know he's there but I can't say anything. What I really want to do is run in his office, give him a hug and a kiss and see him smile.
Not only does he try to be discreet about us, he is not a morning person and is NOT too friendly in the morning. So I stay by my desk trying to guess what shirt and tie he has on that day. I picture his face; every wrinkle, every crease, the shape of his mouth, his nose... I can even picture the tiny hairs on his face. I have his face memorized from kissing him all over.
At some point I'll make up a reason, any excuse, if I dont have a valid reason to go to his side of the building, just to get a quick look at him. If I can't think of something to speak to him directly about, I will pass by and wave. Sometimes he barely even looks up at me. He just gives this nonchalant wave. He doesn't even know how I've longed for that one moment of eye contact. One moment to tell me with his eyes, I'm happy to see you too. I don't know why he's like that. I shouldn't take it personally but its so complicated when you work together!
Some days we start emailing early, other days nothing at all, but usually by 11:00 I do have a reason to talk to him. I go in his office and I am hit with his smell. Its so intoxicating. Just the smell of his skin, his body... No cologne. Just him. I have to consciously focus on what I had to say. He gets annoyed sometimes when I don't get right to the point.

And then he starts talking. I can't hear a word he's saying. All I see is his lips that I crave to kiss and his face I long to touch. I breathe in his smell and it takes me away. As long as he doesn't make eye contact, I can handle it.

Usually he keeps it all business, and I walk out feeling like I am missing a part of me. When he connects with me, I feel whole.

Sometimes, when I go in there with the feeling of disappointment, for whatever reason, whether he didn't text me back the night before, or I knew he was with his wife, or he didn't look at me and say good morning, or he didn't ask me how I'm doing... It inevitably causes an argument. He gets frustrated, I start to cry, we get angry... And yet all I can think about is how I want to climb on his lap, kiss him, and rip his clothes off. The emotions between us are like a burning fire...

He makes me hot all day. Its so hard to concentrate. Thank god he is on the other side.
And again I ask why? Why does he have to be married? Why can't I be with the one I long for? Crave? Thirst for?
Why?

last night's dream

Last night I fell asleep bbm-ing with my muffin man. He was at a concert and talked to me for quite a while. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. My dreams started out with me and the muffster, havin a great time. Being together, in different places, different times... I do believe with all my heart that his is my soul mate. As does he.
Then I was tossing and turning, waking up, sweating, and I remember waking up to a dream about someone redecorating my bedroom... And there were a few dreams in between but I woke up again, to a dream of the abortion I had. And today I struggled all day tryong not to regret it. But I still think I did the wrong thing. I don't think I was supposed to do that. I think I was meant to have him. And I know it was a boy. My son. I killed. I am so upset about this. And again I have to "stay strong."

it's so sad that i can't be myself to anyone in my life! "friends," family, coworkers (they are the worst! total back stabbers!) i really have no one to talk to. well, except my "boyfriend" the married one.

have i mentioned i am completely in love?

does anyone else feel this way? or am i the only pathetic loser in the world?

update on my married man, whom I call "muffin man"

It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away.

I am sooooo in love with this man. I look into his eyes and see cities! So hrd to explain but I can feel him, smell him, sense him, taste him.... When he isn't even near me.

I get lost in his eyes and travel to this place that I know from another dimension or maybe it's a time yet to come.I can't live without him, nor do I want to! I feel peace with him even when we fight.

The passion is so electrifying we hate each other one minute, and the next we are kissing each other with kisses from the depths of our souls.

I just want to be with him and I can't. Why does he have to be married? And STAY married?? This is why I look to escape life. I hate it. And ironically my escape is with him!

I LOVE MY MUFFIN MAN!!!

food for thought

Yesterday I had a conversation with a broker. He said "when we were kids that was living. No worries, no fear... And when we grow up its like we're in survival mode!" And then I asked, "what happens when we're in survival mode as kids?" And his response was "those are the people who can't function in life"
Sadly, this is me. And my entire family. Maybe we can function, but we are dysfunctional and totally "F-ed up"