moonlight sonata

One of the reasons I believe in past lives. Experiences like these:

I'll never forget this one night I babysat for kids in my preschool class. This is going back about ten years. And god how old am I that that was ten years ago?

My older brother is a genius. IQ: 163. And like most geniuses, something was not right in his head. Crazy. He dissected the number zero for a few years. He could tell you all about it and it made you feel so stupid. But when hed get drunk to numb himself, the crazy talk would start. Ill never forget the stories about the people on the planet "O" years of that! Lol! The people on planet "O" were fascinating to say the least.

One of my brother's talents was playing the piano. He was so good! He would practice and practice. I remember his goal was to learn and memorize the entire song: moonlight sonata. There was something about that song. It gave me the creeps, but it touched my soul. I begged him to teach me how to play it. But being crazy, he only had patience to teach me the opening of the song. I would and still, play it over and over, as if its a song itself.

The amazing thing is what happened the night I babysat. After the kids went to bed, I went right to the baby grand piano to fool around on the keys. There's nothing like playing a piano. Its so moving. My soul and spirit can feel every key, every note, I become one with the music.

Sure enough ot wasn't long until I started to play the intro of moonlight sonata. I started to play it once, twice, three times each time it seemed creepier, darker, deeper. By the fourth time, my spirit traveled. I was in a another dimension! I was right there when the song was written. I felt what he felt, I heard and saw people of that era. I saw myself in that era. I felt every ounce of pain and darkness and confusion the composer felt. It was very dark and creepy. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had! And as soon as I got to the part where I didn't know anymore and had to stop, my spirit came right back!

Ugh! I was so mad my brother never taught me more! At least for that moment! It was incredible.

When I listen to classical music, its not just back round noise. My spirit wants to go back to that time! My soul longs for it! I lived in europe! France for sure. One day I will have enough money to go over there and find out where I lived. My heart is there. Not here. No way. And that song moonlight sonata takes me back home. Along with some others. These song, I know them! My soul is comforted when I hear them. Its just amazing.

thank you god

After venting I felt better. But still upset. Got in a big fight with muffin man but he told me that since he's so in love with me he has trouble staying mad at me for long. So our fight lasted maybe a half an hour and we ended up bbming for three hours! He gave me a little slap of reality of how miserable I am.

But... I talked to my uncle today and he told me to evaluate my job, and find out exactly what I hate about my job, ie. the people, the atmosphere, the work itself, and make a plan to fix it.

Then he told me a story that really made me realize what a brat I was acting like. My cousin is a cop in the worst possible section of brooklyn. He just arrested a 13 year old girl for beating up her mom. And guess what. She was 4 months pregnant with the mother's boyfriend's baby!!! Ugh, how sad and sickening is that???

I think God gave me a gentle smack today. Be thankful for what you have and the blessings I have given you is the message I got. After speaking to all my siblings and mother, I got more money than any of them and none of them complained.

So... Thank you God

venting

I know it's Christmas but I need to vent here a minute. I work for an industry that is NOT doing very well.  The financial adviser's of the world.  The market sucks.  And it'll get worse. But the thing about this industry is that SOME of the financial adviser's pay their assistants extra money each month... I of course am not one of those.  Mostly because I am not licensed therefor, I dont work for big producers. Plus, honestly, I dont know if I can handle this industry anymore! I really hate the stress.

But what really upsets me, is that the last job I stared at the wall all day.  I was miserable and felt worthless. And insulted. I felt like a waste of space, intelligence, and talent. So I got a new job.  Where I came and did the same thing.  So I created work for myself. I went above and beyond to help come up with projects to not only keep myself occupied all day, but HELP my brokers build their business!  One of these, the muffin man. ESPECIALLY him!!! I stay late, come early, stayed late on the Friday after Thanksgiving, all to get THEIR work done! The girl I covered all year was out so many times I cant even count!  I had to cover her brokers as well as mine.  And when she fired two months ago, I busted my BUTT to work for NINE of them!! And got everything done!  I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, crying every other day after work because I was so stressed.

So Christmas comes, and I was expecting at least $50 form the guys i helped out all year! and at least $200 form my main guys.  I based this on my last job.  The guy I did the most for gave me $500.  I expected this from the muffin man.  Needless to say I did not get that. The other guys gave me $200 or $150 and the guys I did practically NOTHING for gave me $100. My manager gave me $100 as well. So I did the math and said, ya know I should have enough to get myself a MUCH needed desk and laptop so  dot have to come to grandma's or the library to use a computer. Plus I can get furniture for my daughter's empty bedroom. The only thing worth anything in her room is the bed my ex bought for her that I could never afford.

Well anyway... I am not announcing every amount given to me, but I only got $20 form one guy, $25 from another, a bottle of wine from someone I did a LOT of work for, and NOTHING from the others!  My main guys, totaled up to $500.  And obviously nothing from the manager. I know I may sound ungrateful but I'm just really disappointed. I am still in a hole financially. I feel totally unappreciated, and insulted. I will never go out of my way fro any of them again!  Including Mr. Wonderful who everyone asks me ALL the time "why do you do so much for him? He doesn't even pay you extra!"

I made the mistake of venting to him about it and he's of course pissed at me.  Told me to not talk to him the rest of his vacation.  Said he's totally insulted.  Of course I did say "no offense but, you can all go fuck yourselves." Whatever. I am looking for a new job.  This is SOOOO not worth the stress and aggravation!  I hate it there!

Selfish Selfish Selfish

why is it that if I send out an email to everyone in the office for a lottery pool, I can collect $200 in a matter of 10 minutes, but if I ask for food for the food pantry at work, or donations for needy kids, I have to scrounge together $5 here, $5 there? it makes me SO sad. there are 1000's of kids who wont get anything for Christmas but you can guarantee the "tight wads" will spoil their families with loads of unnecessary gifts.

I cant stand it.  I work in the most selfish industry i have ever seen!

Past lives

Today i was remembering a question someone asked me once.  What do you think you were in a past life?  At the time, I didn't believe in past lives.  But for the past few years I have had some amazing experiences which, to me, have proved they are indeed a possibility.  I read some books on it and learned that if you have a burning desire to live somewhere you may have lived there in a past life.  If you played certain games as a child, you may have done that in a past life.  and so on and so forth. My first thought was "i must have worked in a brothel.  I have a strange fascination for them." then i thought maybe i danced in the moulin rouge because I was always a dancer at heart but there was always something sexual mixed in.  I also have a strong desire and passion for France. Now i believe I lived there centuries ago.  I had a vision of it in a meditation class where we were brought back to our past lives. The second vision I had was me in the 1800's.  I met a man I was passionately in love with. I saw his eyes and saw my soul mate was him. Then I saw myself at the end of that life, sitting on a bed in white undergarments with a very sad heart.  When I woke up, I was trying to complete the story of what I saw. I assumed I was sad because my lover had passed away and I was lonely. I also had a dream one time as I fell asleep meditating and following guidelines on how to experience and relive a past life experience.  I saw myself in my dream and again I was in the 1800's in a dress and I remember chasing after my lover who left.  I remember walking around lost looking for him. I remember the love I had for him was like the love I feel today. I just remember feeling this deep loss and abandonment. Emptiness. I saw sadness and innocence in my eyes.

Since speaking to psychics in the past year, every single one of them confirmed to me that I lived in the 1800's and that my present lover (the muffin man) was my lover in that life.  And I couldnt be with him because he was married. They said we came into this life to be together again but guess what.  Hes married... AGAIN! My soul is the same way... innocent and sad. I am so completely in love with him and I truly believe we are meant to be togehter. I dont wanna go two lifetimes losing my soul mate.

bad thoughts today

I had a bad, bad thought today. I was driving to work today, on my birthday, and someone cut me off. My imagination went rampid as usual and I imagined myself getting in an accident and dying on my birthday. And then the thought came.

"I wish you would just kill me already, god, so I can leave this life. I can't take this pain any longer." I imagined how great it would be to feel my spirit lift out of this hell hole called earth and be free of pain.

Then immediately following that thought the next one came. I pictured my daughter. Imagined how lost she would be without me. How her life would be destroyed. And suddenly my life was worth continuing. And so I continue to suffer for her sake. I know I shouldn't view life as suffering but I do. I wonder to myself how much pain does someone have to deal with in one fucking lifetime??

Later on tonight my daughter gave me a card that said how much she loved me and said she felt like she was part of the reason for my depression and how I give up everything for her. She wrote how she appreciated it and was thankful. It made me cry. I don't want my daughter to think she is the reason for my depression. I told her she wasn't. And she's not. I don't know what is.

I have an amazing daughter who blesses everyone she meets. No joke there. People take her on vacations with them, invite her everywhere and tell her and myself how much they love her. She is so special and I will do anything for her.

I love my baby.

And my muffin man. They make me wanna live so I can make them happy.

DE-brainwashing

I've come to notice that every Sunday when I walk outside to go to my car to go to church there is no sound outside.  Especially mornings that were like today. Cold, rainy, icy, rotten driving conditions weather. No one is around.  Everyone is lazily in their beds, or walking around in comfortable pajamas or sweats like I sleep in, or maybe making coffee. And every Sunday morning I am rushing to get ready so I am not late to church. Usually only the birds are out. But this morning is was silent!  not a car on the road. not  a person walking or jogging.  nothing.

This thought came to my head: sad no one is up going to church. that is a thought that was created in me years ago when I was a church fanatic.  Long before I would EVER have sex with ANYONE i was not married to, let alone commit adultery and sleep with MARRIED men. Back then I was brainwashed.  Naive. Taken advantage of.  I innocently offered my compassionate heart and willing self to be a part of everything I could to "better the church" as they said. I wanted to help people.  But this "church" had a lot of cult -like tendencies and my brain was embedded with values and opinions that were very judgmental. I never anted to be a judgmental person and honestly didn't think i was.  But now that I look back, I indeed WAS! I would have read a blog like mine and shook my head at it. And I probably would have prayed for the person. And now here I am writing it!

I've come to learn that God is NOT in a box and He is NOT only in certain churches like I was taught. He's everywhere. He can hear us as we llay in our beds on Sunday mornings.  He can answer us as we pour that coffee in our mugs. Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite and almost GUILTY for going to church and teaching Pre-K Sunday School.  I think to myself, "I am living a secret sinful life and if they knew they may not want me teaching" but again that is also wrong.  The church I go to now is not like my old church.  the old church made you sign a piece of paper that stated things like: "I am not involved in sexual sin, IE pornography, fornication, adultery, etc.  I do not smoke, drink alcohol or do any kind of drug that would be harmful to my body.  I do not gossip.  I do not judge my neighbor...etc"  basically every sin you could possibly imagine was on there, and then some. It was crazy!  If you didn't oblige any of the "rules" you not only felt like a sinner, but a complete FAILURE. To the church, the kids, God, and yourself. So this is a weekly struggle. Sometimes I tell myself I have NO RIGHT to be involved in ANY ministry. I try to remind myself though, that I am teaching what God and the church wants them to know.  Not my beliefs, not my screwed up thoughts and actions.

But regarding the "adultery" I copmmit, like i said, I believe God is NOT in a box.  ANd since I believe I knew my lover in a pat life, I believe I was meant to be with him and nothing could stop that.  God can work in many ways,  He IS God, the Creator of all things so He can do anything.  Our little pea brains cant figure Him out. He absolutely is possible of sending us in and out of lives. And I do believe my soul is veeery old.  I have been through SO much. So again, I think i will see a psychic this weekend for my birthday.

reliving the abortion

Today was so hard. I found out a relative is pregnant. Then I found out she got pregnant around the same time as me. Three months ago. I got pregnant four months ago. I struggled all day with that. Then my part time lover asked me to do the labels for his holiday cards which was a big slap in the face. Yes he tried to be sensitive about it but I wanted no part in sending out a picture of his family. Another reminder of why I had to MURDER my baby!!!
Then later I saw her stomach and saw the baby in her. Brought back the memories right away. I was crying uncontrollably when I got home tonight. One of those heart wrenching mourning cries. I kept seeing the picture of my baby on the ultra sound in my head and reliving the experience. The worst day of my life.
I am in so much pain tonight...

work...ugh

First of all, wow. Thank you all so much for the responses. Its amazing to find such sweet people who actually care about others! I haven't taken my meds at all. I'm scared to! And my regular dr as well as therapist want me to see a psychiatrist to get the right meds. I feel like a loon with the abundance of pills I already need!!!

About work...

Today I walked into work and the moment I saw my desk and the walkway with all the offices and cubicles this thought came to my head: I hate it here.
I just hate coming in this place full of miserable people and miserable work. Don't get me wrong, I love to work and stay busy all day but I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. I was discussing it with grandma who is my daughters dad's mom if you recall, and she said she sees me in marketing and public relations. I will definitely be seeing a psychic on my birthday with the muffin man to see wht they say. In the past year every one of them has said I'd be getting a new job. But the job market and economy sucks!