Today was so hard. I found out a relative is pregnant. Then I found out she got pregnant around the same time as me. Three months ago. I got pregnant four months ago. I struggled all day with that. Then my part time lover asked me to do the labels for his holiday cards which was a big slap in the face. Yes he tried to be sensitive about it but I wanted no part in sending out a picture of his family. Another reminder of why I had to MURDER my baby!!!
Then later I saw her stomach and saw the baby in her. Brought back the memories right away. I was crying uncontrollably when I got home tonight. One of those heart wrenching mourning cries. I kept seeing the picture of my baby on the ultra sound in my head and reliving the experience. The worst day of my life.
I am in so much pain tonight...
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spoke to my therapist about this one... whew! getting through it. it was rough but i'm doing better.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time. It's all any of us can do. Sending good thoughts from down south!
ReplyDeleteDid your lover know? Or did you just deal with it on your own?
ReplyDeleteTime for some counseling, I think. Anything that helps, you need to get feeling better.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
oh, i'm in counseling! she said i have to forgive myself and remind myself why i did what i did. and that God forgives me. I just feel like a failure. i took the easy way out which is not my personality. its the worst feeling in the world.
ReplyDeleteJ- he was there with me every step of the way. he was hurt and greiving too. and he knows how hard it was and is for me. he was there when i woke up from the procedure and he paid for it. i told him how i felt. it hard though because he feels everything i feel and then feels guilty in thinking its all his fault i am in so much pain.
Cabo- thank you, you always make me smile when i read your blog. :)
Um Wow! Can't even begin to think of anything to say to ake you feel better, but sending a hug your way.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for you, been there done that same reasons as you.
ReplyDeleteI did it and wasn't knocked out. Gave me serious drugs didn't feel a thing awake. It's ugly though...
Blessings to you!