I had a bad, bad thought today. I was driving to work today, on my birthday, and someone cut me off. My imagination went rampid as usual and I imagined myself getting in an accident and dying on my birthday. And then the thought came.
"I wish you would just kill me already, god, so I can leave this life. I can't take this pain any longer." I imagined how great it would be to feel my spirit lift out of this hell hole called earth and be free of pain.
Then immediately following that thought the next one came. I pictured my daughter. Imagined how lost she would be without me. How her life would be destroyed. And suddenly my life was worth continuing. And so I continue to suffer for her sake. I know I shouldn't view life as suffering but I do. I wonder to myself how much pain does someone have to deal with in one fucking lifetime??
Later on tonight my daughter gave me a card that said how much she loved me and said she felt like she was part of the reason for my depression and how I give up everything for her. She wrote how she appreciated it and was thankful. It made me cry. I don't want my daughter to think she is the reason for my depression. I told her she wasn't. And she's not. I don't know what is.
I have an amazing daughter who blesses everyone she meets. No joke there. People take her on vacations with them, invite her everywhere and tell her and myself how much they love her. She is so special and I will do anything for her.
I love my baby.
And my muffin man. They make me wanna live so I can make them happy.
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I am so saddened to hear this. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a much needed hug. By the way, Happy belated birthday. Remember each day brings new adventures, and always something to live for. Today it's your daughter, tomorrow, I hope, it will be yourself.
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Happy Birthday yesterday. :) Maybe tomorrow will be a little bit brighter and warmer. Breath in, Breath out. Let the rest fall where it may.
ReplyDeletethanks guys... i hate having these thoughts... but when you have a horrible childhood, its so hard to NOT feel this way later on in life.
ReplyDeleteI am still praying for you, I've never stopped.
ReplyDeleteI was just browsing some of the blogs of my followers and I ran into your blog. I felt the urge to comment so here goes:
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you feel and think that way sometimes. I do too, on occasion, as I have written in my blog. I have a lot of people in my life that care about me now, but there are days when I still feel all alone. I encourage you to read my post Our Story and Our Story...cont. I think that's the one that discribes those feelings.
As far as your relationship with this married man, understand that MM stands to lose everything, his home, his children, everything he has worked for his whole life, if he divorces his wife. It's also painful for everyone involved. Divorce is ugly and something that most men try to avoid. Often they will seek love elsewhere. They do truly love the woman they have found "elsewhere", but they can't risk the cost of divorce. A man logically knows that it will cost a small fortune and probably everyting that he has worked for his whole life if he files for divorce. So they will not leave the marriage, instead they find fulfillment and love in the arms of another woman. You may never get to have him all to yourself, but that remains to be seen. I "predict" that eventually you will grow in self-strength, probably get fed up with his wishiwashiness and give up on him. That's what we do as women. It's a process, a painful one, but nevertheless it brings relief. Men cheat, women leave. That's usually how it works.
I hope that it does all work out for you, but after a year and a half, I'm not so sure. I think he is going to end up breaking your heart. You're staying at a job you hate, working with people you don't like in order to be close to him. Look at the sacrifices you are making. What sacrifices is he making for you? None, he still has his family, his home, his job, his self-respect, and he gets you as a side treat whenever he wants you. He may not be happy with his wife, but what he is doing to you and what you're doing to yourself is not right or fair to you at all.
Oh, I feel for you. I loved a man once who couldn't have cared a lick about me. I was a good time every couple of weeks for almost three years. I got pregnant with his child too. He didn't want it, I ended up getting an abortion and my life was ruined for about the next 10 years. It killed me. It hurt so bad. It took me forever to get out of that emotional mess. I even got married to someone else during that 10 years, but I had been so in love with this other man that I would cry his name out in the middle of the night. Let me tell you, that didn't make my now ex-husband feel very good. I was so emotionally messed up it's scary. I don't talk about it, and it's not in my blog, but I feel that you need to hear it.
I appoligize if this comment seems too harsh. I guess I have the tough love syndrome going on right now, but your blog touches my heart so deeply because I did that to myself and I still live with the consequences of it today. Love is blind, my dear, and it's time to take the blinders off. The only one your hurting is you. Don't look for happiness, you'll never find it. It must be created in yourself. Tough years has taught me that.
Hugs and Best Wishes to you on your birthday, Christmas, and the New Year,
Jadedjewel
Omg Jade you couldn't have written that any better!! Amen sista!!!
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