Maroon 5 - Misery

no friends

heres another thing. i have like no friends. i used to have friends but i didnt like them. all they did was useme. i had to be someone i wasnt and constantly deny myself to be their rock and when i stopped and became myself again, they didnt want to be my friend anymore. i got rid of all of them. they totally annoyed me and stressed me out. so now i have NO friends. I have a couple girls I go out with dot get me wrong but no one I wanna call and talk to.  No one I wanna have come over and hang out and talk. Its so lonely. Then I thought, well if I want friends all I have to do is be the perfect friend.  Give them cards or presents and do stuff they like and listen to their stories... and the thought of that is pathetic and disheartening. My mom always gave me the best advice. If you wanna make friends, let them talk about themselves. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. well aint that the truth??? but whos there for me? whos there to listen to me? I want someone i can be myself with and actually ENJOY what they have to say! not have it be a chore like its been my entire adult like. godd, my life fucking sucks. what a shitty life i had. and still paying for it now. no friends, no good relationships, no family to count on. pathetic. 

im baaaack

too bad no one reads it!

i need to discuss something. theres a guy in my life who is a friend. but... i feel like hes a possessive bf stalker type and i dont know if he REALLY is or if its in my head! he says it cuz he cares and he means nothing but the best which is why he does things for me and is nice to me but i cant tell if its manipulation or obsession or "normalcy" i am so used to being treated like shit, or being used, or abused, or controlled, and manipulated that I cant even recognize goodness.  I like to fight and be dysfunctional and have passionate love and kissing form the depths of my soul.  this guy is not like that at all.  it bothers me when he gives me things. i dont feel the same way! it freaks me out when he drives by my house and knows if im home or not. i needed a computer so he gives me one. youre not my boyfriend! hes trying to be isnt he? he acts like a boyfriend but hes only my friend. means he likes me! SO uncomfortable.

My issue though is that i repel niceness and goodness and welcome and covet dysfunction.  clearly we know this is form my awful childhood but I dont know how to get past it. And I am terrified this stalker will be obsessive and controlling.  its like i dont have clear vision to tell!

What do I do????

one of those days!

I wonder if other people feel this way sometimes. Todays one of those days! The day when I hate everything! My skin is almost crawling. I hate my hair my clothes my body my looks my job for sure, my boring life, the people around me in this place, sick of the music I listen to.... UGH! I just wanna rip my hair out and clothes off and scream!!! Or go to sleep and hope I wake up to a new life! Ya know??? Ugh!

sex slave

I really need to get this off my chest. To whomever is reading this: are you aware that right now teenage girls, even 10 and 11 year old girls are being kidnapped, forced to prostitute themselves, and out on the streets being watched by their "masters", or being beat up by them? Those websites with pictures of "sexy teens" are forced pictures? Those girls were beat up and threatened if they refused or questioned to pose for them. And those strip clubs I have even been to? Do you know what's going on underneath? Underground? Sex slaves are travelling through being thrown in trucks, drugged, beaten, raped, sodomized, for the purpose of fulfilling the lust for the pigs who want to sleep with young girls. Who will pay for sex. And to fill the evil lust for power and money by these evil disgusting animals that need to be killed! I have never heard of anything more evil than what they do. I mean drugs, guns, violence, abuse, raping.... Ugh. Makes me sick!
And I was thinking. Jesus suffered a horrible brutal death on the cross. Beaten, whipped, a crown of thorns lodged into his head... Whipped with a cat o nine tails dipped into blood and bones and sharp objects to rip his flesh even more. Whipped 39 times one time shy of death! Then forced to carry his own cross up a hill! Then nailed to it, mocked, scorned, laughed at, hated, pierced in his side... Abandoned by his father as he cried out "why have you forsaken me?" Jesus took that WILLINGLY for the sin of all of us! Those animals that are doing this to these innocent girls should be taking that pain and punishment! To me there is no greater evil than what they do. Why is it happening? And where is God in this??? Yes jesus suffered but where is God? We need to do something! We can't ignore and forget about these girls!!! The law doesn't even protect them! If a cop catches a girl, she gets off the street for a night and ends up right back to the master. Most don't make it past 18! They have diseases or are murdered. Trapped in hell on earth. Something needs to happen! Ugh! I'm sick to my stomach.

im on a mission

Sorry most of my blogs are depressing. But I have something better to talk about. It took me 15 years to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I wanted to be a dancer, an artist, a hair dresser, a teacher, an aesthetician, massage therapist, make up artist... I am all those things actually. I've done and still do all of those things, just not as a profession. Working in finance has made me see a lot of things. Good and bad. I see how these men (and women) are salesmen and want to be rich. They are very humbled in this economy. Some are thankful for a job, others miserable. They are struggling to keep up their lifestyles. Sometimes I get annoyed at them, other times I feel bad when they don't make any commission for a month and they're stressed trying to provide for their families. But all in all, I HATE my job. I thought maybe I could do something exciting in the industry but no way. The only thing I get to do that I like is help my favorite broker build his business. By marketing ideas and projects. I really like him so I like helping him. I not only get to change up my routine, but I feel satisfied when I know I'm helping him, and the best part is using my creativity to come up with new ideas! Being able to create and brainstorm makes me feel accomplished, useful, talented, and important!

So I decided I am going to make a career of helping people grow their businesses. So I started brainstorming how I can start doing this.

The plan: I own my OWN business

First step: learn how to do it and master it

Next step: meet people, make connections

I think I should start by writing my ideas and writing out a plan.

I WILL do these things and I WILL fulfill my dreams. I will go to france and I will fulfill my desires. Thank god I finally figured out what I want to do. I'll blog about what I do, since its the only interesting thing going on right now.

Thanks for reading! I can't comment on my own blog or other blogs since I don't have a computer but thank you!

why i cant sleep

These are the thoughts that go through my mind at 4am...

So the way I figure, the stocl market was booming in the twenties, got out of control, and crashed. How long did it take until the market recovered? Not until the 1980's. Sixty years later. So I figure by the time I'm in my eighties, the economy will be booming again! So when its going to be a great time to be alive, I'll be half dead! My life sucks.

I wanna know what I did in my past lives. Did ALL my lives suck this much???

my beauty marks

I remember being a kid and asking my dad why I had beauty marks. "Because that means you're beautiful in THAT spot!" He told me. "Then why did God cover the beautiful spot with that ugly mark?" I asked him. Ill never forget his answer.

"Don't worry sweetie, one day your lover will kiss every one of those beauty marks," he reassured me. I pondered that for awhile. It was the very first time anyone had ever made me feel good about myself! And it stuck with me until now. I always thought, wow. That's what a lover would do. It helped me know what a real lover is. It helped me to recognize what someone does when they love me. And through the years I could always tell if a guy was using me or if he really loved me.

Ill never consider marrying a man who isn't my lover. And who doesn't love every inch of me. I still haven't had the one who kissed every beauty mark. But I have had the man who embraced and loved the things I am insecure about and made me feel good about them. That's a true lover.

My dad passed away ten years ago, and I miss him like crazy! He was always there for me to love me and listen to me and I could tell him anything. But his words still carry on with me. Thanks daddy!!!

impossible to please

I need to talk about something. And I need advice. I am a big-time complainer. I complain on facebook, I complain about the damn radio station playing the same songs over and over, I complain about my stomach hurting in pain because I need surgery, I complain if someone doesn't talk to me, I complain if they don't shut the hell up. I complain if people are rude or if they are fake. I complain if noises or smells bother me. If guys hit on me, if they don't hit on me. I complain about my family not being around, or if they are too much in my business. I complain about work ALL the time. It seems I always have something to complain about morning noon and night. I am just such a miserable person impossible to please! WHY IS THAT??? I just had some amazing sex tonight and I complained later that I was uncomfortable that I was too wet! What is my problem???

moonlight sonata

One of the reasons I believe in past lives. Experiences like these:

I'll never forget this one night I babysat for kids in my preschool class. This is going back about ten years. And god how old am I that that was ten years ago?

My older brother is a genius. IQ: 163. And like most geniuses, something was not right in his head. Crazy. He dissected the number zero for a few years. He could tell you all about it and it made you feel so stupid. But when hed get drunk to numb himself, the crazy talk would start. Ill never forget the stories about the people on the planet "O" years of that! Lol! The people on planet "O" were fascinating to say the least.

One of my brother's talents was playing the piano. He was so good! He would practice and practice. I remember his goal was to learn and memorize the entire song: moonlight sonata. There was something about that song. It gave me the creeps, but it touched my soul. I begged him to teach me how to play it. But being crazy, he only had patience to teach me the opening of the song. I would and still, play it over and over, as if its a song itself.

The amazing thing is what happened the night I babysat. After the kids went to bed, I went right to the baby grand piano to fool around on the keys. There's nothing like playing a piano. Its so moving. My soul and spirit can feel every key, every note, I become one with the music.

Sure enough ot wasn't long until I started to play the intro of moonlight sonata. I started to play it once, twice, three times each time it seemed creepier, darker, deeper. By the fourth time, my spirit traveled. I was in a another dimension! I was right there when the song was written. I felt what he felt, I heard and saw people of that era. I saw myself in that era. I felt every ounce of pain and darkness and confusion the composer felt. It was very dark and creepy. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had! And as soon as I got to the part where I didn't know anymore and had to stop, my spirit came right back!

Ugh! I was so mad my brother never taught me more! At least for that moment! It was incredible.

When I listen to classical music, its not just back round noise. My spirit wants to go back to that time! My soul longs for it! I lived in europe! France for sure. One day I will have enough money to go over there and find out where I lived. My heart is there. Not here. No way. And that song moonlight sonata takes me back home. Along with some others. These song, I know them! My soul is comforted when I hear them. Its just amazing.

thank you god

After venting I felt better. But still upset. Got in a big fight with muffin man but he told me that since he's so in love with me he has trouble staying mad at me for long. So our fight lasted maybe a half an hour and we ended up bbming for three hours! He gave me a little slap of reality of how miserable I am.

But... I talked to my uncle today and he told me to evaluate my job, and find out exactly what I hate about my job, ie. the people, the atmosphere, the work itself, and make a plan to fix it.

Then he told me a story that really made me realize what a brat I was acting like. My cousin is a cop in the worst possible section of brooklyn. He just arrested a 13 year old girl for beating up her mom. And guess what. She was 4 months pregnant with the mother's boyfriend's baby!!! Ugh, how sad and sickening is that???

I think God gave me a gentle smack today. Be thankful for what you have and the blessings I have given you is the message I got. After speaking to all my siblings and mother, I got more money than any of them and none of them complained.

So... Thank you God

venting

I know it's Christmas but I need to vent here a minute. I work for an industry that is NOT doing very well.  The financial adviser's of the world.  The market sucks.  And it'll get worse. But the thing about this industry is that SOME of the financial adviser's pay their assistants extra money each month... I of course am not one of those.  Mostly because I am not licensed therefor, I dont work for big producers. Plus, honestly, I dont know if I can handle this industry anymore! I really hate the stress.

But what really upsets me, is that the last job I stared at the wall all day.  I was miserable and felt worthless. And insulted. I felt like a waste of space, intelligence, and talent. So I got a new job.  Where I came and did the same thing.  So I created work for myself. I went above and beyond to help come up with projects to not only keep myself occupied all day, but HELP my brokers build their business!  One of these, the muffin man. ESPECIALLY him!!! I stay late, come early, stayed late on the Friday after Thanksgiving, all to get THEIR work done! The girl I covered all year was out so many times I cant even count!  I had to cover her brokers as well as mine.  And when she fired two months ago, I busted my BUTT to work for NINE of them!! And got everything done!  I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, crying every other day after work because I was so stressed.

So Christmas comes, and I was expecting at least $50 form the guys i helped out all year! and at least $200 form my main guys.  I based this on my last job.  The guy I did the most for gave me $500.  I expected this from the muffin man.  Needless to say I did not get that. The other guys gave me $200 or $150 and the guys I did practically NOTHING for gave me $100. My manager gave me $100 as well. So I did the math and said, ya know I should have enough to get myself a MUCH needed desk and laptop so  dot have to come to grandma's or the library to use a computer. Plus I can get furniture for my daughter's empty bedroom. The only thing worth anything in her room is the bed my ex bought for her that I could never afford.

Well anyway... I am not announcing every amount given to me, but I only got $20 form one guy, $25 from another, a bottle of wine from someone I did a LOT of work for, and NOTHING from the others!  My main guys, totaled up to $500.  And obviously nothing from the manager. I know I may sound ungrateful but I'm just really disappointed. I am still in a hole financially. I feel totally unappreciated, and insulted. I will never go out of my way fro any of them again!  Including Mr. Wonderful who everyone asks me ALL the time "why do you do so much for him? He doesn't even pay you extra!"

I made the mistake of venting to him about it and he's of course pissed at me.  Told me to not talk to him the rest of his vacation.  Said he's totally insulted.  Of course I did say "no offense but, you can all go fuck yourselves." Whatever. I am looking for a new job.  This is SOOOO not worth the stress and aggravation!  I hate it there!

Selfish Selfish Selfish

why is it that if I send out an email to everyone in the office for a lottery pool, I can collect $200 in a matter of 10 minutes, but if I ask for food for the food pantry at work, or donations for needy kids, I have to scrounge together $5 here, $5 there? it makes me SO sad. there are 1000's of kids who wont get anything for Christmas but you can guarantee the "tight wads" will spoil their families with loads of unnecessary gifts.

I cant stand it.  I work in the most selfish industry i have ever seen!

Past lives

Today i was remembering a question someone asked me once.  What do you think you were in a past life?  At the time, I didn't believe in past lives.  But for the past few years I have had some amazing experiences which, to me, have proved they are indeed a possibility.  I read some books on it and learned that if you have a burning desire to live somewhere you may have lived there in a past life.  If you played certain games as a child, you may have done that in a past life.  and so on and so forth. My first thought was "i must have worked in a brothel.  I have a strange fascination for them." then i thought maybe i danced in the moulin rouge because I was always a dancer at heart but there was always something sexual mixed in.  I also have a strong desire and passion for France. Now i believe I lived there centuries ago.  I had a vision of it in a meditation class where we were brought back to our past lives. The second vision I had was me in the 1800's.  I met a man I was passionately in love with. I saw his eyes and saw my soul mate was him. Then I saw myself at the end of that life, sitting on a bed in white undergarments with a very sad heart.  When I woke up, I was trying to complete the story of what I saw. I assumed I was sad because my lover had passed away and I was lonely. I also had a dream one time as I fell asleep meditating and following guidelines on how to experience and relive a past life experience.  I saw myself in my dream and again I was in the 1800's in a dress and I remember chasing after my lover who left.  I remember walking around lost looking for him. I remember the love I had for him was like the love I feel today. I just remember feeling this deep loss and abandonment. Emptiness. I saw sadness and innocence in my eyes.

Since speaking to psychics in the past year, every single one of them confirmed to me that I lived in the 1800's and that my present lover (the muffin man) was my lover in that life.  And I couldnt be with him because he was married. They said we came into this life to be together again but guess what.  Hes married... AGAIN! My soul is the same way... innocent and sad. I am so completely in love with him and I truly believe we are meant to be togehter. I dont wanna go two lifetimes losing my soul mate.

bad thoughts today

I had a bad, bad thought today. I was driving to work today, on my birthday, and someone cut me off. My imagination went rampid as usual and I imagined myself getting in an accident and dying on my birthday. And then the thought came.

"I wish you would just kill me already, god, so I can leave this life. I can't take this pain any longer." I imagined how great it would be to feel my spirit lift out of this hell hole called earth and be free of pain.

Then immediately following that thought the next one came. I pictured my daughter. Imagined how lost she would be without me. How her life would be destroyed. And suddenly my life was worth continuing. And so I continue to suffer for her sake. I know I shouldn't view life as suffering but I do. I wonder to myself how much pain does someone have to deal with in one fucking lifetime??

Later on tonight my daughter gave me a card that said how much she loved me and said she felt like she was part of the reason for my depression and how I give up everything for her. She wrote how she appreciated it and was thankful. It made me cry. I don't want my daughter to think she is the reason for my depression. I told her she wasn't. And she's not. I don't know what is.

I have an amazing daughter who blesses everyone she meets. No joke there. People take her on vacations with them, invite her everywhere and tell her and myself how much they love her. She is so special and I will do anything for her.

I love my baby.

And my muffin man. They make me wanna live so I can make them happy.