confession i dont talk about

Ya know sometimes I just feel like I wanna die. And there's no one I can really tell that to because they either think I'm feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic or the negitivty just weighs them down. No one wants to hear that but I just need to get it out.

I look at people and think about the shitty lives they had, the abuse they went through, especially my family. The anxiety, the abuse, the alcohol. Its just not fair. My mom was sexually abused by her alcoholic father, and deals with shame and never talks about anything in her past. She was dirt poor in poverty and today she is still poor and I can't help her like I want to. My siblings and I were all abused by my dad though I think I didn't have it as bad because my older siblings called DYFS but my brother and I had to listen to my dad beating up my older brother with a wooden cane til he was crying and culdnt move. He had a nervous breakdown, he's crazy, and an alcoholic. He is a genius too. Couldve been so successful. My sister and other brother are alcoholics and I suffer severe anxiety and have these deep issues that don't go away. I am in counselling but honestly, sometimes I just wanna die. Get the hell out of this hell life.

But the only reason I don't and stay strong is because I have an amazing daughter who's gonna be someone one day! Her loser father is another alcoholic but thank god his parents are normal and help me every day! Thank god for them.
And the feeling that mm can't "deal with me" or "can't" be with me just makes everything worse. The thought that I can't talk to him when I want to, makes me feel empty.

I just needed to get that out. I feel horrible. And I just got prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I hope it helps. But what a loser I feel like that I need that! I hate life.

Why did god put us here to suffer like this? And there are so many people who have it sooooo much worse! Its just not fair!!! I fucking hate it!

weird dream

I woke up to a weird dream that I was at work and I answered the phone and it was muffin man's wife. I told her he was busy and she was annoyed and said that every time she calls he's busy. Then she started to go on and on about all the things that bother her about him and it was mostly his neglect. I was agreeing with her and adding little things he does like that at work and then my eyes opened from the dream as she said these last words that she said was her feelings toward her husband:

"I just get a smooch,

But never get kisses,

cuz he's out fucking,

some other bitches"

First of all, I've never talked to her, second of all, she's the type of person that everythings "great" and always in a great mood... Nothing phases her. My total opposite!
I guess I felt bad for a few minutes. Maybe that post from secretia a while back about how I should think of her sunk into my subconscious.

the bumper sticker

So this morning I'm driving to work and a car pulls in front of me with a bumper sticker that hs a picture of a fetus. It says a person is a person no matter what size they are. Ihad to follow this car a good prtion of the way to work... Enough to bring up the feelings I'm trying to supress about doing something I thought I would never have to do in a million years. It sickens me.
How do u get through something like that? If a bumper sticker is going to effect me like that what do I do at that moment?

the palace of versailles

My phone does not allow me to make comments on anyone's posts including my own. But I'm still thinking of edgar. Maybe if men could understand the little things we like there would be more choices for us out there.
Onto the palace of versailles. Occupied by louis the XIV? Or the XVI? I saw a show today and they gave a quick tour of some of the rooms but focused particularly on a room above the king's bedroom. Living quarters for his mistress. Everything was made of gold. Even the mistress had it good. She was an artist. She decorated and did her art in her little apartment. And on the floor was a trap door which was a secret passageway to the king's bedroom where they could go back and forth to each other's rooms at any time of the night.
Didn't the queen have to "make an appointment" to see her husband? But the mistress could go anytime. What is that??? Again I ask which is worse? To be the mistress who must remain the secret but has the kings heart in the palm of her hand? Or to be the queen who has all the fame and fortune but her husband sleeps with other women? I guess it would be worse for the mistress. The queen may have had her own men she slept with. Probably hot young men too!
Come to think of it... Having a man completely in love you but has to hide you? That's much worse. I just imagine what it would be like to have a king be in love with you and take care of you... Of course on the flip side... She lived above him subject to have no other lovers. I hope she loved him!!! If she were in my situation she'd be happy enough. I love love love my muffin man. If I could sneak to his bedroom, I'd be there every night. All night. Kissing him all over, listening to him breath, noticing every idiosyncrasy, being a confidant...

I really wonder she loved him. I wonder if she was passionately in love with him the way I am in love with my muffin man.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM!!! LOOOOOVE HIM!!!

This is one of my weird thoughts. I heard the name Edgar today. Picture what a man with that name would look like. I picture an older man distinguished, tall, dark, and handsome. Resembling clark gable... He smokes a pipe because I love the smell of pipes, and has a coctail every night. Probably full of himself in subjects he is educated in, but open to learn subjects he doesn't know well. He wakes up early, makes a cup of coffee, drinks it black, reads the paper and off to work. I'm not sure what he does for a living, but he's a very intriguing man.
Any other thoughts on edgar?