Ya know sometimes I just feel like I wanna die. And there's no one I can really tell that to because they either think I'm feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic or the negitivty just weighs them down. No one wants to hear that but I just need to get it out.
I look at people and think about the shitty lives they had, the abuse they went through, especially my family. The anxiety, the abuse, the alcohol. Its just not fair. My mom was sexually abused by her alcoholic father, and deals with shame and never talks about anything in her past. She was dirt poor in poverty and today she is still poor and I can't help her like I want to. My siblings and I were all abused by my dad though I think I didn't have it as bad because my older siblings called DYFS but my brother and I had to listen to my dad beating up my older brother with a wooden cane til he was crying and culdnt move. He had a nervous breakdown, he's crazy, and an alcoholic. He is a genius too. Couldve been so successful. My sister and other brother are alcoholics and I suffer severe anxiety and have these deep issues that don't go away. I am in counselling but honestly, sometimes I just wanna die. Get the hell out of this hell life.
But the only reason I don't and stay strong is because I have an amazing daughter who's gonna be someone one day! Her loser father is another alcoholic but thank god his parents are normal and help me every day! Thank god for them.
And the feeling that mm can't "deal with me" or "can't" be with me just makes everything worse. The thought that I can't talk to him when I want to, makes me feel empty.
I just needed to get that out. I feel horrible. And I just got prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I hope it helps. But what a loser I feel like that I need that! I hate life.
Why did god put us here to suffer like this? And there are so many people who have it sooooo much worse! Its just not fair!!! I fucking hate it!
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Please take it slow with the prescriptions. Don't overdue it.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
I agree with Secretia. I hope it was a low-dose form the dr prescribed. I think you do need to find a (girl)friend to share things with or let your daughter help take your mind off of so many other things in your life. It's difficult when your mind concentrates solely on another all the time. Sorry you're feeling so down these days.
ReplyDeleteI am not a mental health professional. I do not consider myself enlightened, or even claim to know myself all that well. And there have been many times in my life when stepping in front of a truck seemed like the easiest way to stop the pain. But I do know that when I feel the darkness welling up inside of me, it helps to write. Let it pour out of your fingers and onto the screen. You don't even have to post it, just write it.
ReplyDeleteas far as the meds... i am not taking them unless i have to. and thank you all for being so supportive. J- i do write everything down... it does help. but i am just in a very depressed mode right now. the meds i think were bringing me down. UGH!!!! SO FRUSTRATING!!!
ReplyDeleteHow's it going? Are you OK? I prayed for you.
ReplyDeleteSecretia
Secretia you are so sweet! i need it! and i am doing so much better! thank you!
ReplyDeleteit is my sincere belief that each person's pain and suffering is equal to another's because we can only go by what WE experience as individuals. years ago i confided in a close friend that i'd been abused by my guardian father, but actually prevented the "really bad thing" from happening by completely FREAKING out on him one night. i said "it's not that bad, at least i didn't get raped." and she said it's still valid. just because he didn't actually rape me doesn't mean that it didn't effect my life. sometimes it's helpful just to know that others feel as you feel, you know?
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry you are feeling so bad, and medication can be really helpful if you get the one that works for your body. don't be ashamed. it might just make things better for you. i have a lot of anxiety as well for various reasons. i've always got about a million thoughts going around in my head at once and sometimes it's quite overwhelming. take care and listen to your doctor.
also, i am happy to read that the baby daddy's parents are so helpful to you. it seems you are breaking the cycle to make life better for your daughter. it's all you can do, really.
I wish I had words that were consolable but I don't. I do have one though. Stay. Follow that with Here, Alive, Strong, what have you. Just Stay. Stay and you will Be. Maybe tomorrow will raise a sun a little warmer than yesterday's. It's all anyone can hope for.
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