moonlight sonata

One of the reasons I believe in past lives. Experiences like these:

I'll never forget this one night I babysat for kids in my preschool class. This is going back about ten years. And god how old am I that that was ten years ago?

My older brother is a genius. IQ: 163. And like most geniuses, something was not right in his head. Crazy. He dissected the number zero for a few years. He could tell you all about it and it made you feel so stupid. But when hed get drunk to numb himself, the crazy talk would start. Ill never forget the stories about the people on the planet "O" years of that! Lol! The people on planet "O" were fascinating to say the least.

One of my brother's talents was playing the piano. He was so good! He would practice and practice. I remember his goal was to learn and memorize the entire song: moonlight sonata. There was something about that song. It gave me the creeps, but it touched my soul. I begged him to teach me how to play it. But being crazy, he only had patience to teach me the opening of the song. I would and still, play it over and over, as if its a song itself.

The amazing thing is what happened the night I babysat. After the kids went to bed, I went right to the baby grand piano to fool around on the keys. There's nothing like playing a piano. Its so moving. My soul and spirit can feel every key, every note, I become one with the music.

Sure enough ot wasn't long until I started to play the intro of moonlight sonata. I started to play it once, twice, three times each time it seemed creepier, darker, deeper. By the fourth time, my spirit traveled. I was in a another dimension! I was right there when the song was written. I felt what he felt, I heard and saw people of that era. I saw myself in that era. I felt every ounce of pain and darkness and confusion the composer felt. It was very dark and creepy. It was the most amazing experience I've ever had! And as soon as I got to the part where I didn't know anymore and had to stop, my spirit came right back!

Ugh! I was so mad my brother never taught me more! At least for that moment! It was incredible.

When I listen to classical music, its not just back round noise. My spirit wants to go back to that time! My soul longs for it! I lived in europe! France for sure. One day I will have enough money to go over there and find out where I lived. My heart is there. Not here. No way. And that song moonlight sonata takes me back home. Along with some others. These song, I know them! My soul is comforted when I hear them. Its just amazing.

thank you god

After venting I felt better. But still upset. Got in a big fight with muffin man but he told me that since he's so in love with me he has trouble staying mad at me for long. So our fight lasted maybe a half an hour and we ended up bbming for three hours! He gave me a little slap of reality of how miserable I am.

But... I talked to my uncle today and he told me to evaluate my job, and find out exactly what I hate about my job, ie. the people, the atmosphere, the work itself, and make a plan to fix it.

Then he told me a story that really made me realize what a brat I was acting like. My cousin is a cop in the worst possible section of brooklyn. He just arrested a 13 year old girl for beating up her mom. And guess what. She was 4 months pregnant with the mother's boyfriend's baby!!! Ugh, how sad and sickening is that???

I think God gave me a gentle smack today. Be thankful for what you have and the blessings I have given you is the message I got. After speaking to all my siblings and mother, I got more money than any of them and none of them complained.

So... Thank you God

venting

I know it's Christmas but I need to vent here a minute. I work for an industry that is NOT doing very well.  The financial adviser's of the world.  The market sucks.  And it'll get worse. But the thing about this industry is that SOME of the financial adviser's pay their assistants extra money each month... I of course am not one of those.  Mostly because I am not licensed therefor, I dont work for big producers. Plus, honestly, I dont know if I can handle this industry anymore! I really hate the stress.

But what really upsets me, is that the last job I stared at the wall all day.  I was miserable and felt worthless. And insulted. I felt like a waste of space, intelligence, and talent. So I got a new job.  Where I came and did the same thing.  So I created work for myself. I went above and beyond to help come up with projects to not only keep myself occupied all day, but HELP my brokers build their business!  One of these, the muffin man. ESPECIALLY him!!! I stay late, come early, stayed late on the Friday after Thanksgiving, all to get THEIR work done! The girl I covered all year was out so many times I cant even count!  I had to cover her brokers as well as mine.  And when she fired two months ago, I busted my BUTT to work for NINE of them!! And got everything done!  I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, crying every other day after work because I was so stressed.

So Christmas comes, and I was expecting at least $50 form the guys i helped out all year! and at least $200 form my main guys.  I based this on my last job.  The guy I did the most for gave me $500.  I expected this from the muffin man.  Needless to say I did not get that. The other guys gave me $200 or $150 and the guys I did practically NOTHING for gave me $100. My manager gave me $100 as well. So I did the math and said, ya know I should have enough to get myself a MUCH needed desk and laptop so  dot have to come to grandma's or the library to use a computer. Plus I can get furniture for my daughter's empty bedroom. The only thing worth anything in her room is the bed my ex bought for her that I could never afford.

Well anyway... I am not announcing every amount given to me, but I only got $20 form one guy, $25 from another, a bottle of wine from someone I did a LOT of work for, and NOTHING from the others!  My main guys, totaled up to $500.  And obviously nothing from the manager. I know I may sound ungrateful but I'm just really disappointed. I am still in a hole financially. I feel totally unappreciated, and insulted. I will never go out of my way fro any of them again!  Including Mr. Wonderful who everyone asks me ALL the time "why do you do so much for him? He doesn't even pay you extra!"

I made the mistake of venting to him about it and he's of course pissed at me.  Told me to not talk to him the rest of his vacation.  Said he's totally insulted.  Of course I did say "no offense but, you can all go fuck yourselves." Whatever. I am looking for a new job.  This is SOOOO not worth the stress and aggravation!  I hate it there!

Selfish Selfish Selfish

why is it that if I send out an email to everyone in the office for a lottery pool, I can collect $200 in a matter of 10 minutes, but if I ask for food for the food pantry at work, or donations for needy kids, I have to scrounge together $5 here, $5 there? it makes me SO sad. there are 1000's of kids who wont get anything for Christmas but you can guarantee the "tight wads" will spoil their families with loads of unnecessary gifts.

I cant stand it.  I work in the most selfish industry i have ever seen!

Past lives

Today i was remembering a question someone asked me once.  What do you think you were in a past life?  At the time, I didn't believe in past lives.  But for the past few years I have had some amazing experiences which, to me, have proved they are indeed a possibility.  I read some books on it and learned that if you have a burning desire to live somewhere you may have lived there in a past life.  If you played certain games as a child, you may have done that in a past life.  and so on and so forth. My first thought was "i must have worked in a brothel.  I have a strange fascination for them." then i thought maybe i danced in the moulin rouge because I was always a dancer at heart but there was always something sexual mixed in.  I also have a strong desire and passion for France. Now i believe I lived there centuries ago.  I had a vision of it in a meditation class where we were brought back to our past lives. The second vision I had was me in the 1800's.  I met a man I was passionately in love with. I saw his eyes and saw my soul mate was him. Then I saw myself at the end of that life, sitting on a bed in white undergarments with a very sad heart.  When I woke up, I was trying to complete the story of what I saw. I assumed I was sad because my lover had passed away and I was lonely. I also had a dream one time as I fell asleep meditating and following guidelines on how to experience and relive a past life experience.  I saw myself in my dream and again I was in the 1800's in a dress and I remember chasing after my lover who left.  I remember walking around lost looking for him. I remember the love I had for him was like the love I feel today. I just remember feeling this deep loss and abandonment. Emptiness. I saw sadness and innocence in my eyes.

Since speaking to psychics in the past year, every single one of them confirmed to me that I lived in the 1800's and that my present lover (the muffin man) was my lover in that life.  And I couldnt be with him because he was married. They said we came into this life to be together again but guess what.  Hes married... AGAIN! My soul is the same way... innocent and sad. I am so completely in love with him and I truly believe we are meant to be togehter. I dont wanna go two lifetimes losing my soul mate.

bad thoughts today

I had a bad, bad thought today. I was driving to work today, on my birthday, and someone cut me off. My imagination went rampid as usual and I imagined myself getting in an accident and dying on my birthday. And then the thought came.

"I wish you would just kill me already, god, so I can leave this life. I can't take this pain any longer." I imagined how great it would be to feel my spirit lift out of this hell hole called earth and be free of pain.

Then immediately following that thought the next one came. I pictured my daughter. Imagined how lost she would be without me. How her life would be destroyed. And suddenly my life was worth continuing. And so I continue to suffer for her sake. I know I shouldn't view life as suffering but I do. I wonder to myself how much pain does someone have to deal with in one fucking lifetime??

Later on tonight my daughter gave me a card that said how much she loved me and said she felt like she was part of the reason for my depression and how I give up everything for her. She wrote how she appreciated it and was thankful. It made me cry. I don't want my daughter to think she is the reason for my depression. I told her she wasn't. And she's not. I don't know what is.

I have an amazing daughter who blesses everyone she meets. No joke there. People take her on vacations with them, invite her everywhere and tell her and myself how much they love her. She is so special and I will do anything for her.

I love my baby.

And my muffin man. They make me wanna live so I can make them happy.

DE-brainwashing

I've come to notice that every Sunday when I walk outside to go to my car to go to church there is no sound outside.  Especially mornings that were like today. Cold, rainy, icy, rotten driving conditions weather. No one is around.  Everyone is lazily in their beds, or walking around in comfortable pajamas or sweats like I sleep in, or maybe making coffee. And every Sunday morning I am rushing to get ready so I am not late to church. Usually only the birds are out. But this morning is was silent!  not a car on the road. not  a person walking or jogging.  nothing.

This thought came to my head: sad no one is up going to church. that is a thought that was created in me years ago when I was a church fanatic.  Long before I would EVER have sex with ANYONE i was not married to, let alone commit adultery and sleep with MARRIED men. Back then I was brainwashed.  Naive. Taken advantage of.  I innocently offered my compassionate heart and willing self to be a part of everything I could to "better the church" as they said. I wanted to help people.  But this "church" had a lot of cult -like tendencies and my brain was embedded with values and opinions that were very judgmental. I never anted to be a judgmental person and honestly didn't think i was.  But now that I look back, I indeed WAS! I would have read a blog like mine and shook my head at it. And I probably would have prayed for the person. And now here I am writing it!

I've come to learn that God is NOT in a box and He is NOT only in certain churches like I was taught. He's everywhere. He can hear us as we llay in our beds on Sunday mornings.  He can answer us as we pour that coffee in our mugs. Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite and almost GUILTY for going to church and teaching Pre-K Sunday School.  I think to myself, "I am living a secret sinful life and if they knew they may not want me teaching" but again that is also wrong.  The church I go to now is not like my old church.  the old church made you sign a piece of paper that stated things like: "I am not involved in sexual sin, IE pornography, fornication, adultery, etc.  I do not smoke, drink alcohol or do any kind of drug that would be harmful to my body.  I do not gossip.  I do not judge my neighbor...etc"  basically every sin you could possibly imagine was on there, and then some. It was crazy!  If you didn't oblige any of the "rules" you not only felt like a sinner, but a complete FAILURE. To the church, the kids, God, and yourself. So this is a weekly struggle. Sometimes I tell myself I have NO RIGHT to be involved in ANY ministry. I try to remind myself though, that I am teaching what God and the church wants them to know.  Not my beliefs, not my screwed up thoughts and actions.

But regarding the "adultery" I copmmit, like i said, I believe God is NOT in a box.  ANd since I believe I knew my lover in a pat life, I believe I was meant to be with him and nothing could stop that.  God can work in many ways,  He IS God, the Creator of all things so He can do anything.  Our little pea brains cant figure Him out. He absolutely is possible of sending us in and out of lives. And I do believe my soul is veeery old.  I have been through SO much. So again, I think i will see a psychic this weekend for my birthday.

reliving the abortion

Today was so hard. I found out a relative is pregnant. Then I found out she got pregnant around the same time as me. Three months ago. I got pregnant four months ago. I struggled all day with that. Then my part time lover asked me to do the labels for his holiday cards which was a big slap in the face. Yes he tried to be sensitive about it but I wanted no part in sending out a picture of his family. Another reminder of why I had to MURDER my baby!!!
Then later I saw her stomach and saw the baby in her. Brought back the memories right away. I was crying uncontrollably when I got home tonight. One of those heart wrenching mourning cries. I kept seeing the picture of my baby on the ultra sound in my head and reliving the experience. The worst day of my life.
I am in so much pain tonight...

work...ugh

First of all, wow. Thank you all so much for the responses. Its amazing to find such sweet people who actually care about others! I haven't taken my meds at all. I'm scared to! And my regular dr as well as therapist want me to see a psychiatrist to get the right meds. I feel like a loon with the abundance of pills I already need!!!

About work...

Today I walked into work and the moment I saw my desk and the walkway with all the offices and cubicles this thought came to my head: I hate it here.
I just hate coming in this place full of miserable people and miserable work. Don't get me wrong, I love to work and stay busy all day but I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. I was discussing it with grandma who is my daughters dad's mom if you recall, and she said she sees me in marketing and public relations. I will definitely be seeing a psychic on my birthday with the muffin man to see wht they say. In the past year every one of them has said I'd be getting a new job. But the job market and economy sucks!

confession i dont talk about

Ya know sometimes I just feel like I wanna die. And there's no one I can really tell that to because they either think I'm feeling sorry for myself or being dramatic or the negitivty just weighs them down. No one wants to hear that but I just need to get it out.

I look at people and think about the shitty lives they had, the abuse they went through, especially my family. The anxiety, the abuse, the alcohol. Its just not fair. My mom was sexually abused by her alcoholic father, and deals with shame and never talks about anything in her past. She was dirt poor in poverty and today she is still poor and I can't help her like I want to. My siblings and I were all abused by my dad though I think I didn't have it as bad because my older siblings called DYFS but my brother and I had to listen to my dad beating up my older brother with a wooden cane til he was crying and culdnt move. He had a nervous breakdown, he's crazy, and an alcoholic. He is a genius too. Couldve been so successful. My sister and other brother are alcoholics and I suffer severe anxiety and have these deep issues that don't go away. I am in counselling but honestly, sometimes I just wanna die. Get the hell out of this hell life.

But the only reason I don't and stay strong is because I have an amazing daughter who's gonna be someone one day! Her loser father is another alcoholic but thank god his parents are normal and help me every day! Thank god for them.
And the feeling that mm can't "deal with me" or "can't" be with me just makes everything worse. The thought that I can't talk to him when I want to, makes me feel empty.

I just needed to get that out. I feel horrible. And I just got prescribed anti-depressants and anxiety medication. I hope it helps. But what a loser I feel like that I need that! I hate life.

Why did god put us here to suffer like this? And there are so many people who have it sooooo much worse! Its just not fair!!! I fucking hate it!

weird dream

I woke up to a weird dream that I was at work and I answered the phone and it was muffin man's wife. I told her he was busy and she was annoyed and said that every time she calls he's busy. Then she started to go on and on about all the things that bother her about him and it was mostly his neglect. I was agreeing with her and adding little things he does like that at work and then my eyes opened from the dream as she said these last words that she said was her feelings toward her husband:

"I just get a smooch,

But never get kisses,

cuz he's out fucking,

some other bitches"

First of all, I've never talked to her, second of all, she's the type of person that everythings "great" and always in a great mood... Nothing phases her. My total opposite!
I guess I felt bad for a few minutes. Maybe that post from secretia a while back about how I should think of her sunk into my subconscious.

the bumper sticker

So this morning I'm driving to work and a car pulls in front of me with a bumper sticker that hs a picture of a fetus. It says a person is a person no matter what size they are. Ihad to follow this car a good prtion of the way to work... Enough to bring up the feelings I'm trying to supress about doing something I thought I would never have to do in a million years. It sickens me.
How do u get through something like that? If a bumper sticker is going to effect me like that what do I do at that moment?

the palace of versailles

My phone does not allow me to make comments on anyone's posts including my own. But I'm still thinking of edgar. Maybe if men could understand the little things we like there would be more choices for us out there.
Onto the palace of versailles. Occupied by louis the XIV? Or the XVI? I saw a show today and they gave a quick tour of some of the rooms but focused particularly on a room above the king's bedroom. Living quarters for his mistress. Everything was made of gold. Even the mistress had it good. She was an artist. She decorated and did her art in her little apartment. And on the floor was a trap door which was a secret passageway to the king's bedroom where they could go back and forth to each other's rooms at any time of the night.
Didn't the queen have to "make an appointment" to see her husband? But the mistress could go anytime. What is that??? Again I ask which is worse? To be the mistress who must remain the secret but has the kings heart in the palm of her hand? Or to be the queen who has all the fame and fortune but her husband sleeps with other women? I guess it would be worse for the mistress. The queen may have had her own men she slept with. Probably hot young men too!
Come to think of it... Having a man completely in love you but has to hide you? That's much worse. I just imagine what it would be like to have a king be in love with you and take care of you... Of course on the flip side... She lived above him subject to have no other lovers. I hope she loved him!!! If she were in my situation she'd be happy enough. I love love love my muffin man. If I could sneak to his bedroom, I'd be there every night. All night. Kissing him all over, listening to him breath, noticing every idiosyncrasy, being a confidant...

I really wonder she loved him. I wonder if she was passionately in love with him the way I am in love with my muffin man.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE HIM!!! LOOOOOVE HIM!!!

This is one of my weird thoughts. I heard the name Edgar today. Picture what a man with that name would look like. I picture an older man distinguished, tall, dark, and handsome. Resembling clark gable... He smokes a pipe because I love the smell of pipes, and has a coctail every night. Probably full of himself in subjects he is educated in, but open to learn subjects he doesn't know well. He wakes up early, makes a cup of coffee, drinks it black, reads the paper and off to work. I'm not sure what he does for a living, but he's a very intriguing man.
Any other thoughts on edgar?

who judges you?

How cool it is that we all trust each other on here. We can open up and tell our deepest darkest secrets on blogger with no fear of our readers judging us. Its so freeing.
How sad is it we have to be incognito in fear someone will know the REAL us?
How great of a world would this be if we could all be ourselves and no one would judge us? Although how rampant would our "sins" be?
And I put sins in quotes because I think religion puts GOd in a box. You don't know his plan! You don't know the bigger picture!
Anyway... I pray I can learn to be less judgmental... Especially to those I really love.

One of Life's Greatest Gifts

Before I begin, I of course had something to say about my Muffin Man which is over in my part time lover blog...

I realized something today. I saw someone who was an old mentor for many years to me. I opened up and told him my real feelings and how I don't know who I am, that I had become what everyone told me I was, or what I should be and I never had the chance to discover who I am. I told him thoughts I have and reactions I have to people.  When I told him something in particular, he had the most comforting thing to say...

well that's ok, that's you.  I know you.

why was this so comforting?  Because one of the greatest gifts life has to offer, is someone who truly understands you and knows you. you can trust them. I don't even know who I am, and yet this man took the time to listen to me, understand me, figure me out, learn my past, why I react to things I do, why I say things I say, my talents, my gifts, my personality, my hopes, my desires, my needs, my wants... he KNEW me!

he doesn't judge me,
he doesn't get annoyed with me,
he phrases things so NOT to upset me so I can get the message of what he is saying,
he truly cares...

That is what i need in this life.  So desperate for.  Someone to KNOW me...

..one of life's greatest gifts.

when your soul mate comes along... it's too late

Today I was talking to a broker and he was telling me about his wife.  And like always I tend to get into conversations with married men who have been married for quite a while. What really bothers me and things i question are why people make choices they make in a spouse. 

From what I've gathered over the years, is that a man will look for a woman who will make a good wife and mother, and a woman will look for a man who will be a good provider and father for her kids. Why do we feel the need to have a perfect little family anyway?

But the thing that kills me, is that every single FAITHFUL man I have spoken to about this, has told me he lays in bed at night thinking about an ex they dated whom they were passionately in love with but didn't marry her because she didn't fit the "perfect wife" criteria. And the other men?  They find women like me. The exciting ones, the passionate ones, the ones who like to LIVE life and experience new things! And girls like me? We end up broken-hearted and alone, because our men will never choose us. 

So which is worse??? Being the faithful wife whom my husband lays next to while he thinks about another woman? or being the other woman who lays in bed thinking of her lover she longs to lay next to so desperately?

Being the wife who wakes up and goes about her business and speaks to her husband when necessary? Or being the woman who who wakes up and the first thing on her mind is her lover, and wishes she could wake up and kiss him? make love to him night and day? the one who gets NAUSEOUS at the mere mention of his wife's existence?

Why don't people follow their hearts and wait to get married to the one they were meant to be with?  

Instead they think LOGICALLY and when their passionate lover and soul mate comes along... it's too late.

playing with fire

First of all, i created a new blog to talk about my blazing love affair... anything more on this topic will be in that blog.

I often refer to my love affair as a blazing fire. A fire that just can't be put out. If we are not making love, the energy is used to fight. Sparks are flying every second we're together even if it's through the phone.
It's just not fair that we both have to suffer at the same time. Pain and pleasure. I long to be with him, but if I look down the road, I know he'll never leave his wife. I was the excitement he was looking for as he was bored in his marriage. And he feels like a bad person for living a double life.
What am I going to do? The stronger our feelings get, the more consequences come up...

It all started with him looking for excitement. I agreed to it because he seemed like a genuine sweet person who appeared to be surfaced with love. I take them deep. Very deep. I wanted him to experience just what it means to come out in the deep end and drown in love. At first he was guarded, scared, and resistant. But I am a very persuasive person and urged him to come a little deeper. Am I selfish? I thought I was being unselfish. But I didn't think about the consequences of his life and how this would effect him. I thought about the good, not the bad.
And now we're deep. Deep, deep in it. We tried to end things because of the reality that he's married and staying married. But it didn't work. We couldn't function at work, I was crying all the time, depressed, laying around, wanting to die really, and he couldn't hide his misery from his family... It was a nightmare and I couldn't take it anymore. I was lost without my best friend! A day without speaking to him was like a day without food. You could survive but all you think about all day is your hunger!

So finally he came over.  We fought, we talked, we made love... What a surprise.
Back to the beginning again.
And now here we are more in love than before! It gets deeper each day. When we go through something difficult or fight, we seem to come through it stronger!

Isn't this what true love really is?? I believe with all my heart that this is what love should be and was meant to be....

Yet there's a HUGE obstacle in the way! Was this meant to be? Or am I just a selfish sinner?
I believe we were meant to meet each other, but why? Why do we have to go through the pain?

My love for him grows deeper every day... And it really is kind of scary. Where's it going? What will happen to me? To him? I'm so scared of the pain I will be in when I lose him. Oh god this life makes no sense. I always want to experience life and all it has to offer but I just wonder if this will be too much for me.

And I'm torturing him with the same thing.

Its the best love I ever felt;
 so peaceful when I look in his eyes,
so happy when I'm near him,
so in love when I kiss him,
butterflies when his lips touch mine,
so hot when his body is pressed up against mine,
so lost in his eyes,
so comforted when he thinks about me....

He teaches me,
loves me,
comforts me,
puts up with me,
understands me...
Even when I make no sense...
He's compassionate,
patient,
     gentle,
          stubborn,
               intelligent,
                    sensitive,
                         frustrating,
hard headed...

And I'm crazy about him.

When I asked him why he loves me he had the best answer:
"Because you drive me crazy."

Ditto muffin man!

Can anyone tell me this isn't love???

a post this blog was intended for...

There are some nights, like tonight when I pull into my parking lot and have this urge to crash into all the cars parked there. I fantasize that I speed up, crash into one car, back up, slam into the next, and so on until I destroy mine and everyone else's cars!
I don't know why I have these thoughts but it's very often! Once or twice a week! Is it the stress of the day? Deep rooted issues? Suppressed anger? I don't know, but it makes me feel like a crazy person... Is this normal or do I have serious issues?

what its like to work with the one you long for...

Every morning I do the exact same thing. I usually wait til the last possible minute to rush out my door. I grab my heavy purse, lunch bag, and another bag with all my crap that doesn't fit in my purse, and my coffee mug filled with the same coffee- no sugar no milk, just hazelnut coffee mate. Same thing, every morning. I rush out the door with no make up, shove all my stuff in my car, plug in my ipod, that i keep on shuffle so I can "be surprised" when I hear and sing the same songs, and try to drink my coffee before it spills.
About half way to work, I put the mug on the floor, pray it doesn't spill and put my makeup on at each red light. Well, since I am being completely honest here, i do apply foundation and blush while i'm driving... :) I get a red light at the same intersection EVERYTIME and I know I have 5-10 minutes to speed to work. Like clockwork, at this intersection I seem to ALWAYS check my phone hoping that just one of these mornings my muffin man will send me a text, and every morning I get that sunken feeling when I see nothing. Its the hope of things to come that keep me positive about this relationship, I guess.
Speeding into the parking lot, I put my mascara on in the rear view mirror, grab aaaall my stuff, and lastly the coffee mug filled 1/3 of the way with cold coffee. I don't know why I always grab that coffee. It may be an OCD or something.
I scramble through the parking lot hustling because I have 30 seconds to get up the elevator and signed in at my desk. Every day that cold coffee spills on my bag, my sleeve, everywhere.
I throw my stuff on my desk, sign in to ADP, and settle in to start my day. First I clean the coffee off myself and I sign in all my programs on the computer. And then I pull out my agenda for the day and see his name there. I really have no work to do until my brokers come in and give me things to do so I daydream for a little bit. And the cup of coffee never gets finished. It sits for hours until I end up throwing it away. I guess i hold onto things, huh? I usually take my phone out and put it next to me, just in case anyone sends me a message more exciting than my thoughts.

When 9:30 comes around, I know it's the time when my muffin man will be walking in. His path to his office does not pass me so I don't see him. I know he's there but I can't say anything. What I really want to do is run in his office, give him a hug and a kiss and see him smile.
Not only does he try to be discreet about us, he is not a morning person and is NOT too friendly in the morning. So I stay by my desk trying to guess what shirt and tie he has on that day. I picture his face; every wrinkle, every crease, the shape of his mouth, his nose... I can even picture the tiny hairs on his face. I have his face memorized from kissing him all over.
At some point I'll make up a reason, any excuse, if I dont have a valid reason to go to his side of the building, just to get a quick look at him. If I can't think of something to speak to him directly about, I will pass by and wave. Sometimes he barely even looks up at me. He just gives this nonchalant wave. He doesn't even know how I've longed for that one moment of eye contact. One moment to tell me with his eyes, I'm happy to see you too. I don't know why he's like that. I shouldn't take it personally but its so complicated when you work together!
Some days we start emailing early, other days nothing at all, but usually by 11:00 I do have a reason to talk to him. I go in his office and I am hit with his smell. Its so intoxicating. Just the smell of his skin, his body... No cologne. Just him. I have to consciously focus on what I had to say. He gets annoyed sometimes when I don't get right to the point.

And then he starts talking. I can't hear a word he's saying. All I see is his lips that I crave to kiss and his face I long to touch. I breathe in his smell and it takes me away. As long as he doesn't make eye contact, I can handle it.

Usually he keeps it all business, and I walk out feeling like I am missing a part of me. When he connects with me, I feel whole.

Sometimes, when I go in there with the feeling of disappointment, for whatever reason, whether he didn't text me back the night before, or I knew he was with his wife, or he didn't look at me and say good morning, or he didn't ask me how I'm doing... It inevitably causes an argument. He gets frustrated, I start to cry, we get angry... And yet all I can think about is how I want to climb on his lap, kiss him, and rip his clothes off. The emotions between us are like a burning fire...

He makes me hot all day. Its so hard to concentrate. Thank god he is on the other side.
And again I ask why? Why does he have to be married? Why can't I be with the one I long for? Crave? Thirst for?
Why?

last night's dream

Last night I fell asleep bbm-ing with my muffin man. He was at a concert and talked to me for quite a while. I fell asleep with a smile on my face. My dreams started out with me and the muffster, havin a great time. Being together, in different places, different times... I do believe with all my heart that his is my soul mate. As does he.
Then I was tossing and turning, waking up, sweating, and I remember waking up to a dream about someone redecorating my bedroom... And there were a few dreams in between but I woke up again, to a dream of the abortion I had. And today I struggled all day tryong not to regret it. But I still think I did the wrong thing. I don't think I was supposed to do that. I think I was meant to have him. And I know it was a boy. My son. I killed. I am so upset about this. And again I have to "stay strong."

it's so sad that i can't be myself to anyone in my life! "friends," family, coworkers (they are the worst! total back stabbers!) i really have no one to talk to. well, except my "boyfriend" the married one.

have i mentioned i am completely in love?

does anyone else feel this way? or am i the only pathetic loser in the world?

update on my married man, whom I call "muffin man"

It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away.

I am sooooo in love with this man. I look into his eyes and see cities! So hrd to explain but I can feel him, smell him, sense him, taste him.... When he isn't even near me.

I get lost in his eyes and travel to this place that I know from another dimension or maybe it's a time yet to come.I can't live without him, nor do I want to! I feel peace with him even when we fight.

The passion is so electrifying we hate each other one minute, and the next we are kissing each other with kisses from the depths of our souls.

I just want to be with him and I can't. Why does he have to be married? And STAY married?? This is why I look to escape life. I hate it. And ironically my escape is with him!

I LOVE MY MUFFIN MAN!!!

food for thought

Yesterday I had a conversation with a broker. He said "when we were kids that was living. No worries, no fear... And when we grow up its like we're in survival mode!" And then I asked, "what happens when we're in survival mode as kids?" And his response was "those are the people who can't function in life"
Sadly, this is me. And my entire family. Maybe we can function, but we are dysfunctional and totally "F-ed up"

women coworkers suck

Why do women have to RUN and tell another woman every little thing that pisses them off? Women these days really fuck up the work environment!

oct 6th 2009 shady coworkers

So there's a broker here who comes into work at 7:45/8:00am and leaves by 10:30 every day. Once a week he comes back around 2:00. His assistant covers up for him all day every day so he'll continue to pay her extra money. We call him "Mr. Appointment" he tells us he has all these appointments but we all ask... With who? Michele? Amy? Nicole? How many girls is he cheating on his wife with?? She thinks he's in the city all day or in meetings. She has no clue that our company does not do that!

Unbelievable how shady people are!

monday... new week new month same shit

To start off you should know... I am in love with my broker who is married and I cannot be with him. Therefor my heart is torn. We've been FIGHTING for days now! But I had to "keep it together" and treat him as I would any other broker I work for. That lasted until about 12, when I couldn't take his childish silent treatment anymore. I wanted to just scream at him right there in front of everyone and say "I have the right to feel the way I feel and you make me feel like a horrible human being for feeling that way!!"
Then I realized, my thoughts for him change like the friggin waves change the water. I have so many thoughts and feelings that I'm all over the place! I feel like a crazy person!!
Then I remembered a quote. The symptoms of falling in love are the same as mental illness.
There's somethin to think about!!
I'm crazy!!! crazy in love!