what its like to work with the one you long for...

Every morning I do the exact same thing. I usually wait til the last possible minute to rush out my door. I grab my heavy purse, lunch bag, and another bag with all my crap that doesn't fit in my purse, and my coffee mug filled with the same coffee- no sugar no milk, just hazelnut coffee mate. Same thing, every morning. I rush out the door with no make up, shove all my stuff in my car, plug in my ipod, that i keep on shuffle so I can "be surprised" when I hear and sing the same songs, and try to drink my coffee before it spills.
About half way to work, I put the mug on the floor, pray it doesn't spill and put my makeup on at each red light. Well, since I am being completely honest here, i do apply foundation and blush while i'm driving... :) I get a red light at the same intersection EVERYTIME and I know I have 5-10 minutes to speed to work. Like clockwork, at this intersection I seem to ALWAYS check my phone hoping that just one of these mornings my muffin man will send me a text, and every morning I get that sunken feeling when I see nothing. Its the hope of things to come that keep me positive about this relationship, I guess.
Speeding into the parking lot, I put my mascara on in the rear view mirror, grab aaaall my stuff, and lastly the coffee mug filled 1/3 of the way with cold coffee. I don't know why I always grab that coffee. It may be an OCD or something.
I scramble through the parking lot hustling because I have 30 seconds to get up the elevator and signed in at my desk. Every day that cold coffee spills on my bag, my sleeve, everywhere.
I throw my stuff on my desk, sign in to ADP, and settle in to start my day. First I clean the coffee off myself and I sign in all my programs on the computer. And then I pull out my agenda for the day and see his name there. I really have no work to do until my brokers come in and give me things to do so I daydream for a little bit. And the cup of coffee never gets finished. It sits for hours until I end up throwing it away. I guess i hold onto things, huh? I usually take my phone out and put it next to me, just in case anyone sends me a message more exciting than my thoughts.

When 9:30 comes around, I know it's the time when my muffin man will be walking in. His path to his office does not pass me so I don't see him. I know he's there but I can't say anything. What I really want to do is run in his office, give him a hug and a kiss and see him smile.
Not only does he try to be discreet about us, he is not a morning person and is NOT too friendly in the morning. So I stay by my desk trying to guess what shirt and tie he has on that day. I picture his face; every wrinkle, every crease, the shape of his mouth, his nose... I can even picture the tiny hairs on his face. I have his face memorized from kissing him all over.
At some point I'll make up a reason, any excuse, if I dont have a valid reason to go to his side of the building, just to get a quick look at him. If I can't think of something to speak to him directly about, I will pass by and wave. Sometimes he barely even looks up at me. He just gives this nonchalant wave. He doesn't even know how I've longed for that one moment of eye contact. One moment to tell me with his eyes, I'm happy to see you too. I don't know why he's like that. I shouldn't take it personally but its so complicated when you work together!
Some days we start emailing early, other days nothing at all, but usually by 11:00 I do have a reason to talk to him. I go in his office and I am hit with his smell. Its so intoxicating. Just the smell of his skin, his body... No cologne. Just him. I have to consciously focus on what I had to say. He gets annoyed sometimes when I don't get right to the point.

And then he starts talking. I can't hear a word he's saying. All I see is his lips that I crave to kiss and his face I long to touch. I breathe in his smell and it takes me away. As long as he doesn't make eye contact, I can handle it.

Usually he keeps it all business, and I walk out feeling like I am missing a part of me. When he connects with me, I feel whole.

Sometimes, when I go in there with the feeling of disappointment, for whatever reason, whether he didn't text me back the night before, or I knew he was with his wife, or he didn't look at me and say good morning, or he didn't ask me how I'm doing... It inevitably causes an argument. He gets frustrated, I start to cry, we get angry... And yet all I can think about is how I want to climb on his lap, kiss him, and rip his clothes off. The emotions between us are like a burning fire...

He makes me hot all day. Its so hard to concentrate. Thank god he is on the other side.
And again I ask why? Why does he have to be married? Why can't I be with the one I long for? Crave? Thirst for?
Why?