DE-brainwashing

I've come to notice that every Sunday when I walk outside to go to my car to go to church there is no sound outside.  Especially mornings that were like today. Cold, rainy, icy, rotten driving conditions weather. No one is around.  Everyone is lazily in their beds, or walking around in comfortable pajamas or sweats like I sleep in, or maybe making coffee. And every Sunday morning I am rushing to get ready so I am not late to church. Usually only the birds are out. But this morning is was silent!  not a car on the road. not  a person walking or jogging.  nothing.

This thought came to my head: sad no one is up going to church. that is a thought that was created in me years ago when I was a church fanatic.  Long before I would EVER have sex with ANYONE i was not married to, let alone commit adultery and sleep with MARRIED men. Back then I was brainwashed.  Naive. Taken advantage of.  I innocently offered my compassionate heart and willing self to be a part of everything I could to "better the church" as they said. I wanted to help people.  But this "church" had a lot of cult -like tendencies and my brain was embedded with values and opinions that were very judgmental. I never anted to be a judgmental person and honestly didn't think i was.  But now that I look back, I indeed WAS! I would have read a blog like mine and shook my head at it. And I probably would have prayed for the person. And now here I am writing it!

I've come to learn that God is NOT in a box and He is NOT only in certain churches like I was taught. He's everywhere. He can hear us as we llay in our beds on Sunday mornings.  He can answer us as we pour that coffee in our mugs. Sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite and almost GUILTY for going to church and teaching Pre-K Sunday School.  I think to myself, "I am living a secret sinful life and if they knew they may not want me teaching" but again that is also wrong.  The church I go to now is not like my old church.  the old church made you sign a piece of paper that stated things like: "I am not involved in sexual sin, IE pornography, fornication, adultery, etc.  I do not smoke, drink alcohol or do any kind of drug that would be harmful to my body.  I do not gossip.  I do not judge my neighbor...etc"  basically every sin you could possibly imagine was on there, and then some. It was crazy!  If you didn't oblige any of the "rules" you not only felt like a sinner, but a complete FAILURE. To the church, the kids, God, and yourself. So this is a weekly struggle. Sometimes I tell myself I have NO RIGHT to be involved in ANY ministry. I try to remind myself though, that I am teaching what God and the church wants them to know.  Not my beliefs, not my screwed up thoughts and actions.

But regarding the "adultery" I copmmit, like i said, I believe God is NOT in a box.  ANd since I believe I knew my lover in a pat life, I believe I was meant to be with him and nothing could stop that.  God can work in many ways,  He IS God, the Creator of all things so He can do anything.  Our little pea brains cant figure Him out. He absolutely is possible of sending us in and out of lives. And I do believe my soul is veeery old.  I have been through SO much. So again, I think i will see a psychic this weekend for my birthday.