Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
no friends
heres another thing. i have like no friends. i used to have friends but i didnt like them. all they did was useme. i had to be someone i wasnt and constantly deny myself to be their rock and when i stopped and became myself again, they didnt want to be my friend anymore. i got rid of all of them. they totally annoyed me and stressed me out. so now i have NO friends. I have a couple girls I go out with dot get me wrong but no one I wanna call and talk to. No one I wanna have come over and hang out and talk. Its so lonely. Then I thought, well if I want friends all I have to do is be the perfect friend. Give them cards or presents and do stuff they like and listen to their stories... and the thought of that is pathetic and disheartening. My mom always gave me the best advice. If you wanna make friends, let them talk about themselves. Everyone loves to talk about themselves. well aint that the truth??? but whos there for me? whos there to listen to me? I want someone i can be myself with and actually ENJOY what they have to say! not have it be a chore like its been my entire adult like. godd, my life fucking sucks. what a shitty life i had. and still paying for it now. no friends, no good relationships, no family to count on. pathetic.
im baaaack
too bad no one reads it!
i need to discuss something. theres a guy in my life who is a friend. but... i feel like hes a possessive bf stalker type and i dont know if he REALLY is or if its in my head! he says it cuz he cares and he means nothing but the best which is why he does things for me and is nice to me but i cant tell if its manipulation or obsession or "normalcy" i am so used to being treated like shit, or being used, or abused, or controlled, and manipulated that I cant even recognize goodness. I like to fight and be dysfunctional and have passionate love and kissing form the depths of my soul. this guy is not like that at all. it bothers me when he gives me things. i dont feel the same way! it freaks me out when he drives by my house and knows if im home or not. i needed a computer so he gives me one. youre not my boyfriend! hes trying to be isnt he? he acts like a boyfriend but hes only my friend. means he likes me! SO uncomfortable.
My issue though is that i repel niceness and goodness and welcome and covet dysfunction. clearly we know this is form my awful childhood but I dont know how to get past it. And I am terrified this stalker will be obsessive and controlling. its like i dont have clear vision to tell!
What do I do????
i need to discuss something. theres a guy in my life who is a friend. but... i feel like hes a possessive bf stalker type and i dont know if he REALLY is or if its in my head! he says it cuz he cares and he means nothing but the best which is why he does things for me and is nice to me but i cant tell if its manipulation or obsession or "normalcy" i am so used to being treated like shit, or being used, or abused, or controlled, and manipulated that I cant even recognize goodness. I like to fight and be dysfunctional and have passionate love and kissing form the depths of my soul. this guy is not like that at all. it bothers me when he gives me things. i dont feel the same way! it freaks me out when he drives by my house and knows if im home or not. i needed a computer so he gives me one. youre not my boyfriend! hes trying to be isnt he? he acts like a boyfriend but hes only my friend. means he likes me! SO uncomfortable.
My issue though is that i repel niceness and goodness and welcome and covet dysfunction. clearly we know this is form my awful childhood but I dont know how to get past it. And I am terrified this stalker will be obsessive and controlling. its like i dont have clear vision to tell!
What do I do????
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